TO MY COLLEGE LOVE

This is why.

Well, I’m reserving you for the future. Because I can’t imagine losing you just because I’m still immature, we’re still young, and you still don’t know what you want in life. I’ve always loved you. And I hope you know that. Because I’ve loved you the way I understand love and somehow, I felt loved even without hearing those three words from you.

But I’m gonna have to wait. As much as I would like to be with you as soon as possible, I’m gonna have to think long-term. You’re the one I want to be with forever. And we both know that if we get into a relationship right now, somehow, our chance of making it together forever will diminish. And that would be worse than not being able to have you now.

And though I know that it’s gonna be me and you in the end, I try to think that we shouldn’t just rush things. Not because I don’t want to be with you, but because I know that this is the right thing for us. And yes, when I’m talking about US here, that’s something that I just can’t afford to mess up with. I’m doing this one step at a time, just to have you for the rest of my life.

And believe me, it’s not easy. You’re not making it any easier for me, too. Because every single time I see you, I realize that it’s definitely YOU that I want to spend the rest of my life with. And when we’re together, I know that I’m at my best. And I just wanna start spending the first day of my forever with you — right away.

But I’ve got to think of what I really want — Would I really want to have you now and lose that chance of having you forever? Or am I willing to wait for a few years to have you for the rest of my life? I’m sure you know what I’ll choose. Well, what I’ve already chosen.

I will wait. Though I can’t wait to spend every single day with you, to call you babe or honey or psst, and share my life with you, I will wait. Though I can’t wait to kiss you goodnight, argue with you about relationship stuff, or cook for you, I will wait. Though I can’t wait to be your girl, to hold you in my arms, to hold your coffee while you drive, or to just cuddle you all day, I will wait. I will patiently wait for the right time, with nothing to hold on to, but the mere thought that all this waiting is the only way to keep you forever.

So just imagine how much I love you — Imagine how you’ve turned this immature little girl who’s always been used to getting things her way, right away — to this mature being who has chosen to wait for the right time, and suffer for the meantime, just to keep you, the guy she loves, forever.

And I’ve always believed in us. I’ve always believed that after college, after we learn from our mistakes by loving other people, which we know won’t last, we’ll be realizing even more how much we are meant to be. And believe me, we will.

Yes, I can wait for the meantime. If waiting for the meantime means keeping you for the rest of my life.

LOVE,

The girl who never said those three words/ but has always loved you, nonetheless. ♥

Wow, I can`t believe I said that.

Because the truth is, I want to spend late nights hearing you breathe on the other end. I want to talk about silly things like hairfall, o feeling like your life depends on whether or not you sht at that second. I want to tell you about my days, and how failing freaks me out, how stupid I can get and how I regularly fall on my feet. I want to know about your days, too. I want to know your favorite everything and your hatest anything. Tell me you eat sushi with condensed milk, or superstitiously hop on one foot three times before you sleep

Because the truth is, everytime I see pictures of the world and see how life is so beautiful, I think of exploring every part of it with you. I want to travel the world by foot and paddle, dance on the top of pyramids, roll down the rice terraces, shake hands with Greek strangers, take a prostitute out in the light and make her genuinely happy, pretend to be vampires in the Romanian night, be poor and starving artists in Chicago, sleep in subways with lights flickering like sick hallways of dilapidated hospital buildings. Let’s draw ourselves with chalk on the streets where children play hopscotch. Let’s draw ourselves on the sand, water back and forth, back and forth. Let’s draw ourselves in the clouds, and we’d pretened that we see shapes that aren’t really there

Because the truth is, life isn’t about coloring within the lines. It’s about making this one big mess, spilling paint and cake icing all over and beyond the pages.

Because the truth is, I can’t think of making this chaotic masterpiece without anyone else but you.

BEING REPLACED DOESN`T NECESSARILY MEAN BEING ERASED.

You know that moment when you like someone or maybe even worse, you love them? Then you suddenly find out that he has someone else?

It feels like shit, doesn`t it? Deep fcuking shit.

Yes, it does.

Well, for those girls out there who think that they`re being replaced and it hurts like motherfcuking hell, think of it this way.

You may be replaced but you are not erased. This is the nicest, most appropriate metaphor I can give you:

Think ‘Toy Story’. You had a favorite doll when you were young. You played with it all the time, you could never sleep without it, you loved it so much that you treated it as your baby. Then, you grow up and you no longer play with that doll and you leave it in your closet, eating cobwebs. (Even maybe comes alive at night then looks at you when you sleep and cries because she misses you, maybe.) Then, after a few years you remember your favorite doll. And you miss it, don`t you? And you realize how much happy memories you shared together. And you go open your closet and hug it. It was never erased, wasn`t it? And you remember that it was a big part of your life, a big part of you growing up.

Well, do you get it now?

You`re never really erased. You may be temporarily or permanently replaced but you will always be part of that person`s life, of that person`s heart.

And now it may hurt like shit but just think of this and smile.

And you will feel better, I promise.

Waiting.

(For girls)

Remember when we were kids and all we wanted was to be with our prince charming? We wanted so much to find him and to believe that somewhere out there, he exists and he`s going to save us and we were going to live happily ever after?

Then, he comes. We find our prince charming and we give him everything we have and we believe that nothing will break this bond, this magical feeling, this spell that has been cast upon us. Then, it gets broken and we get torn. Our heart breaks and we wish that we didn`t rush into things. We wish that we could be kids again and we realize how stupid we were to think that love was this easy.

We wait and wait and wait. And we get darn impatient. And we think that our real prince charmings won`t come. But they do. They will.

Let`s just think of it this way.

We can sometimes be lonely. We get so jealous of our friends who have their prince charmings. Why? Because we`ve experienced that feeling before. And it`s amazing. Nothing compares to it. That`s why we`re either looking for love or recovering from it. But maybe, when we do grow up and we find our prince charmings and we would live happily ever after aka marriage, we`re going to want to be single again sometimes, because it`s just too much. And we`re going to think, how I wish I didn`t rush into this.

So, maybe we have to wait. And it might get lonely but let`s just be patient. And let`s just enjoy life right now, being single and all because we`re going to want this in the future too.

Just saying.

(This is another theory of mine which makes me feel better when I get lonely, hee)

My heart last February.

I think I stood there for about fifteen minutes. I circled the whole bookstore and browsed through the bookshelves, school supplies and even the stack of crappy CD`s. I was listening to my player humming to Veronicas` This Love when suddenly, I saw Him. He was wearing a gray long-sleeved polo, skinny jeans and this bonnet or whatever you call it. He saw me and walked hastily towards me. He stared at me, smiled sheepishly and kissed me on my forehead then wrapped me in an embrace. He was finally there and I couldn`t be more happier.

We walked towards the small doughnut store a few blocks away from his school and then he stopped, looked at me, touched my face and said, “Uy, violet yung eyeliner mo.”From that moment on, I realized that I did mean what I said earlier, I did love Him.

He ordered a pink doughnut for me since He knew that was my favorite color. We didn`t really do much eating, we talked and we doodled on one another`s planner since that was something that brought us together in the first place, our love for Art. I suddenly told him, “Ang ikli na ng buhok ko, nagpagupit kasi ako last week. Napapangitan ako.” Then, he put his finger on a lock of my hair and twirled it. “Maganda nga, eh.”

We finally decided that it was time to leave so, we did. We went straight to school because I needed to submit my application forms. While we were waiting for my turn, we sat and I laid my head on his shouders. “I can`t believe I`m with you. If my parents knew I was with you, they`d kill me.” He laughed, took my hand and entangled it with His. He kissed my hair, I kissed his cheek. Just like that, I finally knew what real love meant.

Ahh, good memories, yes. Just like it was yesterday. :)

Empty.

Some people try to hand me money, they don’t understand

I’m not broke I’m just a broken hearted man

I know it makes no sense but what else can I do

How can I move on when I’m still in love with you

Last night, I opened my school bag and found this almost-empty bottle of his cologne which I got from him. I sprayed some on my wrist and cried like I never cried before. I clutched it, not wanting to let go as if my life depended on it. I know keeping it would just hurt me so I threw it away.

I envy my mother. You see, my father was her first and last boyfriend so she never had to experience this incredibly painful, unimaginable feeling I am feeling right now and probably for the next days, weeks to come. It`s too painful that crying for one straight day is never enough. Even when I thought I was too weary or too tired to cry, I still did `cause everything around me reminds me of him. Listening to songs I used to sing before bacause I was so happily in love just makes me sad, now.

I don`t think I would heal soon. I don`t think it`s possible for me, yet, to get back on my feet and return to the happy, loving, artistic girl I used to be, now that he`s gone. Everyone`s trying to help me even though they know that nothing they can say or do would help me.

I discovered something about myself just last night and my best friend helped me discover it. I am too selfless, that even though I`m hurt, I go on, pretending everything`s fine because I love too much. I loved too much that I didn`t care what I was feeling, I suppose.

So, yeah, lesson learned, don`t ever give anyone your everything `cause when that day comes, when you least expect it, he`ll be gone and you`ll have nothing left but an empty bottle of his cologne.

MISSING PEOPLE IS JUST LIKE LISTENING TO MUSIC.

So, when you listen to music continuously/ non-stop, you get tired of a certain song. You don`t want to get tired of it because it makes your head, your feet, your hips move. You love how it makes you feel and how it makes you dance like there`s no tomorrow or sing like the world`s ending. You just don`t want to get tired of it. But you do.

So, what you do is you stop listening to that song for awhile. Well, for as long as it takes and you shove it away and put it at the back of your player. Or you erase it from your files. Then, you listen to it again or you become surprised because you suddenly hear it playing out of nowhere. And then you realize that you never really got tired of that song. And you realize that it`s still your favorite song.

Just like missing people, you push the away and you shove them away from your thoughts but once you see them, once you`re this close to touching them, to hugging them, to seeing their beautiful smile, you realize that you missed them.

And just like your favorite song, even if it keeps playing and playing, you will never get tired of them.

:)

There are reasons why I should not be happy today but I don`t want to be not happy. I like myself when I`m happy. I make people happy. I post happy stuff. I have smileys in my Tweets and in my Tumblr posts. I don`t want to be not happy. It`s tiring. So I choose to be happy today and forget the things that make me not happy. I hope you are happy too. <3

ISN`T IT IRONIC HOW WE DEAL WITH PROBLEMS?

When we`re dealing with our problems, it`s so difficult to decide what to do, what to say, how to deal with it. But, when we deal with other people`s problems, we know exactly what to say to those people, what they should do and how they should handle it.

Well, I have a theory.

When we`re in that position already, it`s so hard to decide what to do and what to say. Why? Because we use our hearts when deciding and when thinking. We can never be rational when deciding and dealing with problems especially when it`s love-related. We just never can.

On the other hand, when we are the ones being asked for advice/s on how to deal with a certain situation, we use our minds.

Right?

But, maybe that`s why we ask and seek for advice, maybe that`s why we have friends. Because they know the right things to say when our hearts do all the talking.

Well, that`s just my theory. Do I make sense?

To all girls out there,

Okay, so here`s the thing. I`ve been reading so much drama-related posts here and hearing stories from people who have haters and blah. (I`m a victim too) So, here`s to all girls out there.

To those people who hate on you, betray you let you down, backstabb you, spread shit about you, here`s the thing, FUCK THEM.

When I was in highschool, many people hated me. Freshman year, upperclass men bullied me because I annoyed them. And why? Because I didn`t act like them. I didn`t want to fit in with people in school so they made my life Hell. They ostracized me. Every week, I would cry because they would make fun of me. But then, I got tired so I stopped caring and I stopped crying. And they stopped bullying me. They judged me and didn`t even try to get to know me. Their loss man, their fucking loss.

Senior year, I thought these hate issues were over but heck, one of my friends told me that 7/10 of people she knew talked shit behind my back. And those people (some), I knew, were those who would comment on my Multiply and say nice things about me, say that I`m pretty, creative, talented, blah, then yeah. (Hah, I`m not stupid) I was so sad that time and I felt so unloved. (Thank God I had a bf back then so, not really haha) but I just laugh about it now. One thing I remember he told me tho, was that I shouldn`t mind these people, because they were just jealous of me. (Look, even a guy knows!) But I refused to believe that 100% because I didn`t want to seem big-headed. But heck, even if I wrecked my brains out, I couldn`t think of a good reason why they hated me.

So yeah, all I have to say to all you girls is this, there will be a point in your life
where you`d be satisfied with who and what you are. You will realize that you can`t please everyone. They talk shit about you? So what. You know that you`re not doing anything bad so let them be. It is true that these people are only powerful once your back is turned.

Realize that you are better then them and these people lack something, whatever that may be: happiness, contentment, friends, talent, confidence, etc. They lack something and you do have it that`s why they`re putting you down. That simple. And don`t apologize for being yourself. It`s just like apologizing for breathing or for crying after you get your heartbroken, man.

I swear, if people just spread goodness and just complimented others for seeing something good in others, instead of putting them down, the world would just be a better place. Hope I helped girls with these kind of ‘issues’. Cheer up, you`re amazing and beautiful. <3

From a fella` girl,
K

Heartless

Okay, just wanted to talk about this. I really thought twice whether I should write about this in my blog or not because I always want to share happiness with you guys but yeah, I just had to write this.

So, I was watching television awhile ago and I tuned into Oprah after years of not watching it. Then, I was so depressed with the issue they were talking about which was child pornography. They showed these two men being arrested, an 18-year old guy and his father. And they were arrested because they found out that they had a lot, maybe hundreds of home-made videos of children, like from the ages of 4 to 10 having sex and they were raping them. And it was so heart-breaking how they described the children in the video, crying or shouting because these men were raping them. And I was so surprised and horrified to know that in one of the videos, this little girl, probably aged 10, was forced to have sex with a dog. Fcuk, man, a dog. And she was told to put her mouth into the dog`s testicles while the man was filming it, telling her to do it this particular way.

I mean, what the hell? What kind of person would do that? What kind of heartless creature would do that? I can`t even say human, because what he just did was not human at all. And the really worst part was after the 18 year-old guy was arrested, he was released the next day.

I wish stuff like this never happened at all. I mean, we are all humans, we all have a right to live and to be happy but some people just are so selfish that they only care about themselves. So depressing.

Let`s all just pray for these children, yeah? Who can`t even enjoy being a child and who will forever be traumatized by what these sick, evil people like them do. I hope this stops, I mean nothing`s impossible right? :(

P.S. Sorry this is disturbing, just had to…

Erase and Rewind.

If only I could press a rewind button and I’d go back to the times when the only problems I had were if I got that expensive toy in the mall or if I could ask mom to buy candy for me before dinner.

But as I got older my problems changed. I just wish I could go back.

I found out something tonight that I guess I didn’t take very well. I found myself in tears while I was talking to my friend on my cellphone. I found myself crying while I went to the grocery to buy something for mom.

The only time I felt like crying in public was when someone I used to know broke my heart last year.

It just sucks, you know. To get your hopes up and just be let down.

To decide to take chances and let yourself fall only to find out that the person you expected to be catching you below suddenly had second thoughts and left you crashing on the floor.

I hate being like this.

When I was young, like when I was a little kid and um until last year (lol), I always thought of marriage as stupid. I mean, how the hell won`t you get tired of seeing someone everyday, waking up to that person everyday, blah blah blah and I found it reasonable when I see people having affairs and shit like that.

But then, I had my first (real) boyfriend and I loved him with all my heart (and I even used this line) and I realized that that is what love does to people, and I did realize that when you do love someone, you will never get tired of them. My mother and I always talk about marriage and she said that the ‘kilig’ mushy feelings will sometimes fade but you will always, and I mean always, have (should have) respect and love for that person you will spend your whole life with.

Lucky you, Mimi, (and all the other girls out there who aren`t searching anymore) you got that person now.

I'll keep in touch.

I think I'll be on blog hiatus again!
Hello lazy ass.

Ciao!

I hope everything will be cool.

Sorry is fine for me and I just want to say sorry for letting some issues be my point on my blog for you. I just hate it when people are too judgemental. Who doesn't right? I hope everything would be cool. I may not even know you personally sweetie but hello, you are nice. Don't worry, I don't easily get mad. Those fucking word just totally offended me. Don't worry, I don't hate you. Just be careful next time! Ciao!

I'm just wondering..

Why there are such people like her that is so "Judgemental"? Oh wait let me correct it on her hand, for her it wasn't appropriate to call her as Judgemental 'cause she is "Prejudicial".

Let me explain to you the difference of the two. Judgement is an act of judging while Prejudice is an opinion/thought/feeling formed without knowledge about the situation. For you in the first place you are calling me "hypocrite" even without experience on that matter. Your just showing me how lame is your life. You just really don't know what is the meaning of life. In the first place you really don't know if you perception are right or wrong. Okay try to some theories about communication so that you'll understand me. Or if you want enroll yourself at Adamson and take the AB Mass Communication course. You'd be so lucky if Ms. Derillo would be your Prof 'cause she's really great.

Anyway, try to realize everything sweetie. Try to be nice 'cause I know I'm nice to you. I just don't want your life to be a shitty one 'cause that could be horrible. Your just making this situation worsts than it could be. Like, hey! You even commented on my Plurk post and I've been nice replying to you. And I don't have any problem with you it's just that you're too "PREJUDICIAL!" My God! You even graduated in a catholic school. "Ano ng natutunan mo?"

This would be not a big of a deal to me it's just that I don't think of any situation that I mention your name and even put you down! No one's too perfect for words. I don't want to make this a big fight but if you want then that would be too cool for me. I just really can't imagine. It really SUCKS TO BE YOU!

Everything was cool and now It's uncool!

There was a poor little girl who really pisses me off! Like she was not pretty nor smart like I used to imagine and she's not even nice. I can say that she is really "PLASTIC!!" We've never been close nor become friends. I didn't even notice her during my/our high school days. I even thought she's nice so I let myself be attached to her online. Like I added her on Plurk and even follow her on Twitter which is a big mistake I made. I have read her blog post. She sound so trying hard and even say that she just blog because she saw her online friend's blog. She sounds so insecure on her post. She didn't even think that she just want to blog 'cause she wants to.

She even wrote:

"Okay, so I read this blogspot (ninaneverknew). She's one of my online friends because basically, we haven't met in person yet. I added her up in my friendster account, let's say, 2 years ago because I was in a yahoogroup for Callalily then and there's a couple of these spamming emails which i hated because they keep popping in my YM and it's all about the same things. YES... SPAM. and I viewed some of them. And I saw this someone whose name is online . Which is Niña . I decided to chat her up, knew her NASL (name,age,sex,location). Then added her up in my Friendster account.

SO... I read her blog and I felt envious because she's so fluent in this english stuff. I thought I was but then again, I stand corrected. Her blog was so entertaining whereas mine was like a diary... I don't know if that's a good thing but it doesn't feel right. I felt like all I was babbling about was how sick my life is. Like a freak, like an exaggerated drama queen.*Sigh. So from now on, it won't always be like that. Life is a bitch, but I have to get moving :)"

Ha ha ha! Poor you!

I just don't imagine why she make such effort to post a blog about me. Or maybe I affect her life and she didn't affect mine. You just sound so loser dear. I think you need to get a life. Your post shows your real attitude. Maybe that's the reason why the mother of you ex boyfriend don't like you. Oh sorry did I make you cry? You deserve that!!

I really don't want to waste my effort just for you, it's just that you're putting me on my last nerve! Like the hell you care about my post on Twitter. It shows that your reading my post. Go ahead un-follow me. Sounds cool on my side! You're not a big waste on it. I just asked you to follow me and did not push you to do that kind of a shit. Oh did I say shit? It just sounded like your name. Much better if your name would be shit. Ha ha!

Hey silly! Get a life! Why don't you try do some good stuffs ha? I think it just don't fits you. I remember what you're wearing during our Prom night. With that devil attire, I can say that it's "bagay!" (make it sarcastic please) on you!! =)

I can't stop people say bad things about me, BUT I CAN LET THEM EAT THEIR WORDS if they don't shut the fuck up. I won't waste my time on worrying if people are talking about me. If you're happy doing that to me okay I'll support you. I just wan't to ask a favor, please ask for permission and promise I will say "YES!!!!"

Okay enough with this bitchiness. This isn't my priority right now. And by the way "Thank You" for prioritizing me on your life. If that would be a big help on you so that your life wouldn't be lame okay. Go ahead! GO AHEAD! and THANK YOU SO MUCH!!